Julio and the Sloth

First published on SPANK the Carp.

Julio stood on a wooden bridge and inhaled the aromas emitted by trees he couldn’t name. He’d been on every trail in the area except this one. It was new, and work had kept him inside for too long. As he turned to continue his walk, a shadow moved above him. Whatever it was, it reeked.

“Hey,” Julio yelled, “Did you just attempt to bite me?” He looked up, and all he saw was a sloth.

Sorry, Señor,” the sloth said, “but I had no choice. I was told if I bit someone I’d return to normal.”

“Huh?” Julio perched on a log, confused.

“You see, I was bitten by a werewolf,” the sloth said. “I don’t know why; I think maybe he was blind.”

“And he told you you’d revert back to your normal self if you bit someone.”

“That’s correct, Señor.” The sloth shifted to the left, moving closer to Julio.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Julio said, holding up a hand as if it were a shield. “You stay right there.” Julio moved down the log away from the sloth. “You know he was lying don’t you. You can’t change into a werewolf, or I guess weresloth in this case.” Julio chuckled.

“I don’t see anything funny about it at all, Señor.”

“You don’t? You live in a tree. What are the odds someone would climb up and bite you?”

“Oh, I wasn’t in the tree. I come down regularly to relieve myself.”

“Relieve yourself?”

“Well, of course. Did you think we just held it in forever?”

“I hadn’t given it any thought.”

“Well, now you have.”

“Do you have a name?” Julio asked.

“Flash,” the sloth said.

Julio laughed so hard he almost fell off the log.

“I know. I know. My mother was a hippy and a pot smoker,” the sloth said. “She gave all her kids odd names. My older sister’s name is Gazelle, and my younger brother’s is Bugs. Don’t ask. I have no idea why.” The sloth shook his head and sighed.

“You even shake your head slowly,” Julio said and snorted.

“Okay, that’s enough of that.” The sloth looked around as if expecting someone.

“Do you come down from the tree for other reasons?”

“Nope. No need to. All the food I require is up here. Insects, carrion, and small lizards. Lots of them.”

“So how often do you come down to. . .you know?”

“Once a week. It takes a little time to get to the right spot, go, and cover everything up.” The sloth looked at the ground. “You’re standing on my spot right now.”

“Are you shitting me?” Julio stood and hopped to the side. 

“Interesting choice of words,” the sloth said. “But no, I’m not.”

Julio scuffed his shoes on a patch of grass in an attempt to clean them off. He raised his left foot and checked the bottom, like a blacksmith shoeing a horse. “Oh crap,” he said and pointed at the sloth. “You ruined a new pair of hiking shoes.” He scuffed them some more. “If I could sue you, I would.”22222

“Of course, you would. Everyone sues somebody these days.” The sloth moved his head in small circles to relieve the tightness in his neck. “Since you’re going to sue me anyway, why not move a little closer so I can . . .”

“No way, Jose. In fact, I’m going to move back a little,” Julio said, taking a big step backwards. “Ouch,” he said. “What the. . .?”

“Oh, I forgot to introduce my wife, Miranda. She’s even slower than me.” 

“How long have the two of you been up a tree?”

“About fifteen years. Right, Love?”

Miranda started to nod. Julio didn’t wait for her to finish. 

“And you haven’t bitten anyone before me?”

“Oh, there have been lots of opportunities. We see them coming up the trail, and Miranda moves to get into position. Most of the time she’s late, and we have to let the person go.” “It’s frustrating, but. . .” He smiles at Miranda. “You know.” 

“But you said once you bite someone, you revert back.”

“Well, that was a bit of a lie. Actually, a big fat whopper.” This time it was the sloth’s turn to chuckle. “I’m afraid you’re a weresloth for life now. Too bad. You look to be about twenty-five.”

“Thirty-one.”

“Same difference,” the sloth said, with a shrug.

“Well, Miranda and I need to get some sleep. And you, Señor, need to head along the path to get home before dark.”

“Home,” Julio said. “What home. I can’t go there. My parents. My girlfriend. What am I going to tell them?” Julio said, looking up as Miranda joined her husband hanging from a stout branch.

“Can’t help you there, Señor,” the sloth said, “but it’s a long walk back down the hill. I’m sure you’ll think of something. And now, it’s time to say good night.”

Julio pivoted and scuffed his way back the way he came.

Within seconds, he heard Flash snoring. He walked away wondering what his life was going to be like now. 

He heard snickering coming from above. “Okay, there is a cure. Give us $50.00, and we’ll tell you where it is.”

“I don’t have that much money on me.”

“How much do you have?”

 “$38.00 and 25, 30, 4 cents,” he said. He raised his hand as high as he could.

“I suppose that will have to do. On the back side of the tree there’s an opening. Reach in and you’ll feel something.”

Julio did as directed. “Ouch! You bit me again.”

“Not me. That was Junior. Oh, and there’s no such thing as a weresloth. Enjoy life and thanks for the money. We can use it to entice someone else to play our game.”

As Julio walked away, Miranda snuggled next to Flash. “You know we could get arrested if you keep this up.”

“What would they arrest us for? Forest Path Robbery?”

It was Miranda’s turn to chuckle. “You know, that was kind of exciting, and I’m not really sleepy.” Miranda nestled closer to Flash. “Maybe we could…”

“You are a naughty scamp, aren’t you?”